My Name Is Janie, and I'm a Diet-aholic

I called my trainer today.

To, you know, bitch whine.

She didn’t answer.

So, I instant-messaged another trainee, Melissa, on Facebook.

She called me back.

Here’s how it went down.  (disclaimer: I may have taken a wee bit of poetic license.)

Me:  I wanna quit.

Her: You can’t quit.

Me:  I want to quit. I gained weight. I’m having irregularity. I’m not a happy camper.

Her:  You drinking all the water you’re supposed to be drinking?

Me:  Yes. I feel like I’m about to pee my pants every freakin’ minute of every freakin’ day.

Her:  I was discouraged, too, but I’ve lost X amount of inches!
Me:  Whooooopeee Freakin Weeeeeee.  That's so refreshing to hear!  Really?  That's awesome.  Now, back to me. It's all about me, don't you know that? I wanna quit.  I gained weight and I’ve been being so good.

Her:  Don’t quit.  Get measured.  Grab another gear.  Quit your whining.  Life is good.

Me:  I think I’m gonna hurt her when I see her.

Her:  I can tell by your voice you’re about to turn left out of Natural Foods and head for Starbucks.  Don’t do it.

Me:  Freakin’ clairvoyant.

Her:  Okay.  Turn right.  Go to the house.  Get your snack/veggies/shake.  Do something right, Janie, because I’m tired of talking to you on the phone.

Me:  Okay. Thanks for calling me, and encouraging me.

I go home, make a meal replacement shake, throw ice and a zucchini squash into it, and drink the sucker.  It was awesome, really!

I felt so much better about myself.

But I'm really worried about Starbucks.  Without my daily Venti 7-Pump No Water Chai, Extra Hot drink, they're probably going to go out of business.  And at this rate, I’m never gonna use my iPhone pay app, OR get my black Starbucks card.