Friday, September 23, 2011

Ju Got Tween Seester In Beaumont?

Yesterday, I flew to Houston. We have few flight options from beautiful Midland, so sometimes, you have to get creative to get the schedule you want.  My options for leaving Midland in the morning in order to make a noon meeting?
Continental:  Leave at 5:10 a.m., Arrive at 6:40 a.m. at IAH.
Ummm, no.  Thank you.
Southwest:  Leave at 8:40 a.m., Arrive at 10:00 a.m. at HOU.
Yes.  Much better.
And then, I booked my return flight on Continental, which would be closer to our corporate office.
Since I was arriving 30 minutes from my destination, I decided to taxi to our office and forgo the car rental.  Arranged with a coworker to drop me back off at IAH after our meeting.
And here, the story begins, in the taxi line at Hobby Airport.
Taxi Stand Worker: Where you go!  WHERE YOU GO!!!
Me:  Aldine Westfield
Taxi Stand Worker: You stay right here. RIGHT HERE!
Me:  (I’ve not moved.)Yes, sir. (Dang.  He needs a hug.)
Taxi Stand Worker: You! Get in taxi! GET IN! Get in!  (Yanks open door.)
Me: Ummmm...thank you!  (Clambering into mini van back seat, trying to hurry so I won’t get in any more trouble, which makes for, I’m sure, a beautiful sight.)
We drive off.
Me:  Good morning!
Taxi Driver:  Good morning. Where we go?
Me:  Aldine Westfield, please.
Taxi Driver:  Where is that?  I no remember.
Me: (Oh, shit. Just my luck. In the one town that totally jacks me up direction-wise.)  If I remember correctly, it’s off Hardy Toll Road around Rankin Rd.  Not far from IAH.
Taxi Driver:  Yes.
We drive off.  I start breathing a little easier.
He gets out this white trash bag.  Did I tell y’all he’s driving?  We’re rocketing down Telephone Road and he’s unwrapping something out of this large, kitchen size white trash bag.  Twisted at the top trash bag.  
I’m starting to get a little nervous about what’s in that sucker.
And out he pulls.....his GPS.
Taxi Driver:  Ju know address?
Me:  Ummm, yes.  17015 Aldine Westfield.
Taxi Driver:  (starts trying to turn on gps, weaving all over the road)
Me:  (I guess a pre-trip safety meeting’s out of the question, since we’re already somewhere bound.)  (Praying.  Poof. Get wisdom.) Sir - would you like for me to operate the GPS so you can operate this moving vehicle?
Taxi Driver:  If ju like.
Me: (smiling) (he does have my life in his hands, you know) I like.
I put in the address, and the screen flashes.
“Acquiring Satellites."  And it never goes off.
Taxi Driver:  I has problem with GPS thing.
Me: (Ya think?) I can get it on my phone, sir.  Would you like me to do that?
Taxi Driver:  I no have smart phone.
Me: (Dude.  You might be lacking more than smart phone) I can get it, hang tight.  Okay, I have it.  You need to get on 610, then go to Hardy Toll Road.
Taxi Driver:  Get on 45?  Or 59?  I no remember.  Address  familiar.  Brain not working.
Me: (About that brain - ya think? It’s your town, dude!  Can I get a rerun, back to the taxi stand?  Or heck.  Just stop at that Starbucks, I’ll hitchhike!) Aren’t we on 45 now?
Taxi Driver:  Yes.  
Me:  Okay.  (I start directing him to my destination)
Drive time: 20 minutes

Meter:  Has jumped from $6.00 to $30 while I was looking up the destination for him, in within 1 minute.  I’m beginning to get the BIG picture.
We finally reach Aldine Westfield road.  
Taxi Driver:  That ju building?
Me:  No, sir.  It’s a two story building, a huge complex. Takes up an entire block.  It will be on the left hand side of the road.
Every building, he starts slowing down and trying to turn in.  At every warehouse.  He gets in every freaking left turn lane for about 2 miles, I swear.
Me:  Sir.  See that huge building about 4 blocks down?  You can see it over the trees.  That’s it.
Taxi Driver: Not this one? 
Me:  No sir.  Look further ahead (pointing) at that one, with the big gray windows? (we’re getting closer) (if I get out I can walk from here)
Taxi Driver:  Not this one?
Me:  No sir, keep going, you’re doing good (flattery will get me anywhere).
After about 10 left turn lane fails, we drive further down the road, and we’re now almost on the same block as my destination.

Me:  See that sign?  You can turn in there.
Taxi Driver:  Here?
Me:  No!!  There - at that circular drive.
Taxi Driver:  Here?
Me:  No, keep going just a bit.
Taxi Driver:  Oh!  Where the sign is!
Me:  Yes, that’s it! (Soooo very grateful I’m alive)
I pay the fine, and tip him.
Taxi Driver:  Bless ju, my friend.  Ju so nice.  Ju so pretteh.  Ju got tween seester in Beaumont? 
Me:  (Need compliment? Tip well.) No, sir.
Taxi Driver:  Ju sure?  She could be seester.
Me:  No, sir. Okay, sir, gotta go. Bless you!  Have a great day!
Taxi Driver:  Bless Ju!
Thankful to be alive, yet, I wonder if he’s driving off, chuckling, thinking (in perfect English, no doubt) “I so scammed that chick!”
The price you pay, eh?
It’s never boring around here!


  1. Oh, frick! This is totally one of those situations where there's literally no way out and my stomach would be in knots of anxiety! Glad you survived!

  2. i am seeing rental cars in your future from now on... :)

  3. The same kind of thing happened to me in Boston. The cab driver pulled over to the side to the road and started looking at his Atlas. After 10 min with the meter running, he took off. At the motel I asked for my change. He ask if I was not gonna tip him and I said, Fuck no! Your tip is on the meter that was running while you looked for the address. He was pissed until a security guard at the motel walked up.

  4. Glad you survived! And you wallet survived too (though just Bear-ly).
    Yes, when one takes a taxi, one has demonstrated a willingness to live very dangerously.

  5. I enjoyed your big city tale..that must be why I live in the boonies:)

  6. That rental doesn't seem so pricey now, does it? :-)

  7. Oh, my gosh, what a story. I have experienced the same type of airport taxi rides and they don't give you a choice of which cab to take, although mine haven't been quite as bad as yours, lol.

  8. Enjoyed your story Janie! - Dave


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